The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
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Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
😆this is so true
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Its a hippotatomus
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.