cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates