If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
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Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july