I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.