Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
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3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don鈥檛 see how that鈥檚-
judge: answer the question
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn鈥檛 for me, it was for the organization of course.
Every so often I鈥檒l tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Why is this me 馃槴
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I鈥檝e swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It鈥檚 time to give in to my place on the food chain
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad馃槳
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)