Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
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What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?