it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
You Might Also Like
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*