If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
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I didn’t realize that was an option
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you wonāt get mad
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’m having an out of money experience.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
spending weeks telling my gf about the āspecial nightā i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
What do you call a really small strawberry? š
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outsideš na i really left my windows downā¦
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: āIām no doctor but Iām pretty sure itās not supposed to hurt when you button your pantsā
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. š¬
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.