My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
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My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience