Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.