there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Breaking news:
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters