The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Jail
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”