I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
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what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
peep davidson
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Breaking news:
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.