And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
shut up and take my money
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.