My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
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my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions