A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
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Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon