My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
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[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
A leaf blower, but for people.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
love pickles so much i put myself in one
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.