The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.