*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug