So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that鈥檚 what makes it perfect.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here鈥檚 to hoping.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 馃構
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don鈥檛 be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
notice
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they鈥檙e ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Judge: And that鈥檚 how we鈥檙e determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I鈥檒l say i beg to differ
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs