Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
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If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
What personal space?
My dog
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”