Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
At least my masseuse has my back.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.