I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
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A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.