I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
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me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Mornin
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools