NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
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Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Money is the root of all wealth
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake