The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
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What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.