Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
mumsnet is amazing
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.