You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop