Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
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doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My life in a nutshell
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Sing it!
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*