me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
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How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
How animals would run if they were human
Covid like
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐