Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
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I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?