Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
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I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
shampoo implies shampee
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I think my mom just blocked me
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
BRO LMFAO
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.