Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
The pasta is now
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating