Good morning.
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I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies