(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
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WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I WON A HAM TODAY
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
These aren’t even hard anymore.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.