The first matador
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Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.