For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.