Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
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Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes