God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
You Might Also Like
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.