Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
You Might Also Like
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Going to church you guys need anything
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
😆this is so true
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.