[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
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The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Said the murderer.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?