You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Had to try this trend 😊
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.