HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
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Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately