This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.