A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
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My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer