I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
😅😅😅
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna