For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
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Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?