[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
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Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Taliband
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈