is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
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it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
necessity is the mother of invention
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands