I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Meme Monday.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
You can’t rush stupid.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.